Rozen Maden: An OffKey Jingle
by Neokage Tokage
Summary: The Alice Game is in temporary "time out" due to weather. A sketch comedy like story telling. Warning: Offensive humor and spoilers
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: Hello to anyone familiar with me! I'm not dead! Anyone familiar with my other story is by now saying something to the tune of "What the hell!? I've been waiting for like four months for the end of the last one! I must kill him..." Well, I'm trying to get back into the swing of things again after dusting off my account, so not to worry the last chapter is coming. I just have to cook up some good jokes. Anyone not familiar with me, hello my name is Neokage. This story I plan on doing in the form of a sketch comedy barely strung together with a plot, so if it seems to jump around a bit your not crazy. Some of my jokes are messed up, so leave if you are a wimp. Yeah, you heard me. Can't even read a fan fiction! How will you ever please a *woman! (*Man for you ladies.) People who know me also know I'm a total review whore so send them in. I tend to respond to most all of them in the following chapter. It is my core belief that if you love something you should pick on it quite a bit, and in that spirit I give you Rozen Maiden: An Off-key Jingle.

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive humor/Spoilers... Well not really, but some jokes are based on spoilers**...

**Prologue**: Deep within the minds of the sleeping _subconscious_ of humans, and behind the reflecting surfaces are small alternative realities known as N-fields. They appear as often empty unpopulated, peaceful places. However, once every so often, during the Alice Game, the serenity of these places are often broken and these peaceful lands become battle grounds. In one such N-field the fifth Rozen Maiden: Shinku clashes with the seventh Kirakishuo. The stormy sky seemed to crack apart with the silhouettes of vines and rose petals. Using her pink cane as a sword Shinku slashed at the vines tearing into them. "Kirakishou! We don't have to do this! There is another way to become Alice! Join us and we...", "Pathetic!!", interrupted Kirakishou not breaking her wide-eyed grin. "Such weak resolve does not fit the title of Alice. You're cowardly ideals are your weakness, Shinku!" She hissed holding out her hand. A white light began gleaming from her palm, causing Shinku to hold up her her sword defensively and brace for the next attack. Suddenly something from high above flopped onto Kirakishuo's arm immediately breaking her concentration and extinguishing the light. "Eh?! What the...?" She spat, before holding the circular, flat thing draped over her arm closer to her eye. "Ugh! It stinks! What is this?" She screamed in disgust flinging the object as many more began falling from the sky.

Shinku caught one as it fell and held it up. " Bologna?", Shinku whispered. "Yes, bologna." A voice echoed from high above as Leplace stepped out of a tear in time and space. "What is the meaning of this Laplace. Is this your doing?" Laplace bowed deeply, "I'm afraid you have the wrong person. Everyone and no one is in a way responsible for this recent turn of events. While people toil upon the earth they pay no attention to what they send up in the...", "Oh for the love of god! Get off it!" Kirakishou bellowed holding her nose and making a arch of vines over herself to shielding herself from the falling lunch meats. "What the hell is the point of giving us advice if it's through these stupid, vague riddles! You're not being mysterious! You're just annoying!" Leplace stepped back a little startled. " _*Sigh_* Fine! Try and add a little class and they string you the hell up!" He mumbled, loosening his tie before snapping his fingers.

A screen appeared suddenly in the sky displaying Al Gore's face with "An Inconvenient Truth" displayed across the screen. "I saw this at Jun's." said Shinku to herself "I could barely stay conscious for ten minutes while watching it.", "So I suppose there was no chance you saw the outtakes, huh?" Laplace said now floating on his side as if lounging and smoking a cigarette. He snapped his fingers again causing the scene to jump to Al Gore pointing to a mirror as he continues his seemingly endless presentation "Not only the polar icecaps are at risk but the worlds in our minds are at risk as well. We've found that these worlds or "N-fields" are effected by strange weather as the world heats up. However unlike our world, instead a being plagued by hurricanes they will be hit with strong fronts of lunch meats..." Suddenly a stagehand comes onto the scene. "Mr. Gore I think it's time to sleep..." The screen then fizzles out of existence. "...and there you have it." Leplace shrugs. "Due to weather the Alice Game is "on hold". "Absurd!" Spat Kirakishou, nasally. Laplace puts out the cigarette on the bottom of his shoe before opening a portal to make his exit. "Fine then. Feel free to keep fighting. If you think this stinks now, give it a few hours." Kirakishou scowled before disappearing into a cloud of writhing vines. Several minutes later back at the storage room of Jun's house, Shinku strolled through the glowing mirror. She stood in the dark looking at the door for a moment "This is the first time all the maidens have made contact and didn't immediately begin the Alice Game. What do we do now?"

One week later...

**Rozen Maiden: An Off-Key Jingle - Chapter:1 - Origins**

Shinku, Suigintou, Hinaichigo, Suiseiseki, and Souseiseki sat assembled in the living room after the day's episode of Kun-Kun had ended. Suigintou reached for another cracker before breaking the silence. " So Shinku after our last battle you had a chance to meet father I hear." Shinku smiles to herself warmly before sipping her tea. "Yes, we spent what seemed like forever talking. It was a wonderful experience. One that I will always treasure." Suigintou frowned silently in jealousy before Suiseiseki spoke up. "Skinku, not that I'm complaining but father was trying to create the perfect girl through the creation of the Rozen Maidens ~desu. So why did he make us all so different from each other ~desu?"

"Ah, we did discuss that actually." Shinku put down her tea as she excitingly continued. "Well, father was a very worldly person indeed! Because of this his view as to what a perfect girl was changed drastically from time to time. Suigintou, in fact I've wonderful news for you. Father actually did finish you." Shinku says smiling brightly. Suigintou in surprise spits her tea all over. "_*Cough cough*_ W...what?" "It's true." Shinku continued. "When father first began creating doll he was an avid opium smoker and hung around in bordellos. There he fell in love with an anorexic Gothic whore. So the lack of a stomach was just father's artistic touch as he made you in the image of his first love." Suigintou went paler than usual as the gravity of Shinku's words sunk in. "However, she began not charging for her services and father saw this as cheating so he left her which is why he never picked you up again. After that he fell in to with a young girl he taught violin to but was soon arrested because she was ten and that was about the time he made Kanaria. After his release he started a steady habit of absinthe and mushrooms and fell in love with his dealer and made Suiseiseki in her image though I believe the influence of the drugs had an influence on the color scheme. He soon ran out of money and she dumped him. He swore off women all together then and found love with the young male dock workers at the peer. That's when he made you Souseiseki. Soon though he found himself in love with a young blond with a love for gay men. That's when he made me. However as soon as he agreed to go out with her she realized he wasn't gay anymore and dumped him as well. He found work as a school teacher creating Hinaichigo and got in trouble with the law again but this time fled to the ocean where he fell in love with a pirate and that is how Barashuisou and Kirakishou."

"Ah yes, very worldly indeed." Shinku picked up her tea again sipping it before strolling out of the room. The other dolls sat frozen in silent horror at what they had just heard. "It...it's not true right?" Souseiseki creaked. Hinaichigo started crying as Suiseiseki jumped down from the couch. "I'm going to take a bath. Where's the toaster ~desu?" Just then, Shinku stuck her head back in the door. "Oh, by the way. I was just kidding. Me and father didn't get to talk at all he was gone in a flash." She said before taking her leave again. The dolls sat and looked at each other for a second. "I-I'm going to kill her." Suigintou said, "I mean I should. Right? The dolls nodded in agreement as the followed in hot persuit. As they began out the door Hinaichigo wiped the tears from her eyes as she thought. "When did Suigintou start living here?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Hello again everyone! I assume you're all reading this but it's kind of hard to tell with the lack of reviews. (HINT HINT!) Seriously though the reviews help because without reviews it's hard for me to know what you guys thought was funny and which jokes were duds. So any feedback is good even if you just wanna be a grammar Nazi or something. Anyway this chapter explains why the hell Suigintou is living at Jun's and is entitled Rozen Maiden: An Off Key Jingle - Why The Hell Is Suigintou Living At Jun's. Enjoy.

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive humor/Spoilers... Well not really, but some jokes are based on spoilers**...

**Rozen Maiden: An Off-Key Jingle - Chapter:2 - Why the Hell is Suigintou Living at Jun's**

One week before the last chapter....

Suigintou flew to the Hospital, slightly tattered from a recent fight and covered with the stench of bologna. After landing on the window sill outside of Megu's room, she sighed loudly. "Ridiculous! This whole thing! To think that a contest to achieve perfection could be delayed over lunch meats! God, my dress smells terrible. I'll have Megu wash it immedia....ack!" She exclaimed as Megu grabbed her from behind and pull her into the room. Megu hugged her closely while Suigintou struggled to get free. "Me-Megu! Unhand me this instant!" Suigintou screeched, her face becoming flushed with embarrassment and frustration. "You're so mean Suigintou! You left again without saying anything." Megu cried holding Suigintou tighter. "Megu....I can't breath..." Suigintou gasped, her flailing losing momentum. "We talked about this! I was worried to death! Suigintou you... Suigintou?" Megu stopped crying as she realised the doll had slipped out of consciousness.

Suigintou woke up groggily. "Wha.. what happened?" Whispered to herself trying to connect the dots as to how she ended up asleep on Megu's bed. It suddenly came back to her in a flash. " Damn it, Megu!" She cussed under her breath. Megu had not been the same since Suigintou and Barashuishou's fight with the other maidens. When Bara betrayed Suigintou and she was defeated Megu's ring back at the hospital broke. Fearing that she would never see the doll again Megu fell into a deep despair. When Suigintou reappeared Megu was overjoyed. However she also became clingy, overprotective and...kind of creepy.

Megu walked in the room. "Oh hey. You're awake." She said in her typical chipper manner. "What do you think of the out fit I made you?" She smiled. "New outfit what are you babbling about?" Suigintou asked kicking off the sheets that were covering her to reveal smaller pajamas exactly like Megu's. "WH-What is the meaning of this Megu?! Where is my dress?!" Suigintou squealed. "It's in the wash. It smelt like lunch meat but forget about that beside these cute matching outfits I also got us matching cell phones so I can reach you all the time." Suigintou scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous. A cell phone may seem compact to you, but it's almost as big as my head!" " But don't give the number to anyone else these are just for us." Megu continued. "Who the hell else would I be calling any...That's not the point! Megu you're taking this to far! I want my dress back and I'm not hauling this device everywhere!" Megu suddenly fell silent making Suigintou a little uneasy. "Do...do I make myself clear?" Megu smiled a little. "You're right Suigintou. I don't know what I was thinking. I feel so silly. I mean those pajamas and all. I'll go get you're dress for you." Suigintou watched as she walked out of the room and smiled to herself. "I guess I just had to show her who was boss. She's just a mere medium after all. How could I, the first of the Rozen Maidens been intimidated. I'm such a fool." Suigintou thought to herself as she stared at the full moon out the window.

"I'm back." Megu said as she opened the door. Suigintou turned her attention toward the door "You did run that wash on delicate I ho...Me-Megu! What are you wearing?!" She exclaimed as she realised that Megu had changed into a dress exactly like hers. "Isn't it adorable. It was just silly to think you would start wearing those grubby pajamas. This is much better and anyone who sees us will know we're a couple. "We are not a couple!" Suigintou bellowed. "Of course we are, you tease. Why else would you give me this ring?" Suigintou raised to her feet standing on the bed."I've explained to you thoroughly as to why I gave that to you..." "As an expression of undying love right?" Megu cut her off. "That's it!" Suigintou screamed. "I can no longer take this! Give me the ring Megu! I'm leaving!" Megu's smile vanished from her face. "You..you can't leave me." Suigintou grabbed her dress from Megu. "I can do what ever I want you fool!" She hissed as held her hand out for the ring. "F-fine I'll give you the ring but..at least finish that yakult you started to drink this morning." "What?" Suigintou looked at the half full bottle on the nightstand. "The nurse knows I don't like that stuff it would be troublesome to come up with an excuse." Megu said coldly holding the ring out." Suigintou looked at Megu in surprise. "That's it? She's not going to try to stop me?" She thought to herself. "Fine!" she scowled chugging the rest of the bottle before making her way to the window. "Good- bye, Megu. I don't think we will meet aga...uh...." Suigintou's legs when numb as the room began to spin. "Oh my you don't seem well. Perhaps you should lay down suigintou." Megu smiled as Suigintou fell to the floor.

Suigintou woke up to find herself strapped to the bed. Megu sat in the chair next to her dressed in the replica of Suigintou's outfit. "What the...Megu! Release me immediately!" She screamed. "I'm afraid I can't do that. You have a habit of flying away on me, my little blackbird. I think I should take care of these wings now so I don't have to worry about that any more." Megu said in a quiet voice as she pulled a block of wood from under the bed and placed it between her wings and retrieved a hammer out of the drawer. "Megu! What are you doing?!" Suigintou asked fear creeping into her voice. "Taking care of these two problems once and for all" Megu responded as she raised the hammer.

Minutes later Suigintou's wings were now tied to the new board that Megu had just mounted to the wall above the bed. (Got ya) Megu had left to buy a large birdcage. "I have to get out of here before she returns. Suigintou saw a knife next to the TV adjacent to her bed. She slipped her wings out of the loops and started rocking to slowly inch the bed toward the TV. When she finally made it she grabbed the knife between her toes and used it to turn on the TV. "Good, now I can watch "Dog the bounty hunter" while I escape." She said as she materialized her sword and cut herself minutes later she showed up at Jun's door and rang the doorbell. Shinku answered "Suigintou are you here to fight again. You do realize the Alice Game is on hold and Jun would be most cross if we fought here." Suigintou avoiding eye contact quietly replied. "I'm not here to fight. I need a favor."

"...and that is how Suigintou came to live here." Shinku concluded. "Oh I was confused." Hinaichigo laughed. "So do you think Megu has calmed down yet." Shinku looks out the widow to see Megu standing in the back yard, wearing a jean jacket and holding a boom box over her head, playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes". "I don't think so."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Hey again! Special thanks to Shining Valkyrie for the review. Honestly though I don't do yuris or yaois. I do however make jokes about them along with guro, futa, loli or any other japan related fetish. However this chapter is going to be shorter than the rest so I can spend sometime finally finishing my other story. The rush to put something out early is just my way of saying thanks for the favoriting and review.

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive humor/Spoilers... Well not really, but some jokes are based on spoilers...**

Rozen Maiden: An Off-Key Jingle - Chapter:3 - Chibi Chapter

Shinku, Hina, Suiseiseki and Souseiseki sat on the couch, gazing at the television as Kun-kun reached the climax of the episode. Kun-kun had just caught the perpetrator, Robber Cat and brought him to the interrogation room for questioning."Tell me where you've hidden the money and you'll get a reduced sentence." Kun-kun stated as he paced back and forth over the Robber cat who sat restrained in a folding chair, that sat behind a plain white table. "You've got nothing on me, nyaa. Until I have a lawyer, I'm talking to no one, nyaa." The Robber Cat responded defiantly. "Oh, about that. Your lawyer informed us had be held up for a while so we issued a new one for you." Kun-knu responded making his way to the window and closing the blinds. "What? What are you on about, nyaa?!" Kun-kun sweeps the lag of the chair knocking robber cat to the floor. Meet your lawyer ,Mr. floor." Kun-kun states flatly. "Th-this is brutality you stinking pig, nyaa!" Kun-kun begins kicking the cat. "If you'd prefer we've also got Mr. Boot..." Shinku sips her tea. "Is it just me, or has Kun-kun gotten more violent as of late?" "It's to be expected, since he's gotten out of rehab his stress has been getting to him." Souseiseki stated, not breaking her gaze with the television. Suiseiseki sighed as she jumped down from the couch and made her way to the kitchen.

Suiseiseki opened the fridge pulled out the milk. As she began to pour a glass she heard a noise from the stairs. "That sounds like Nori, desu..." she said quietly to herself. She jumped of the stool she was using to reach the counter, and make her way to Nori's bedroom and peeked in. She saw Nori tossing and turning looking quite distressed. She closed the door and began making her way down the stairs. "A nightmare, huh? Oh well it's not of my concern, desu." She thought out loud however every step she took she slowed down a bit as if being weighed down by her conscience. She sighed reluctantly deciding to help and made he way back to the living room. "Souseiseki can you help me with something she called to her sister." Souseiseki came out to the hall. "What's up?" "Nori seems to be having a nightmare. It seems like a bad one, desu. I thought maybe we could help." her voice dropped a bit as she blushed "..you know for all the hanamaru hamburgers and such..." Souseiseki smiled at her sisters selflessness. "No problem. Between Sui dream and Lempicka no matter what horror Nori's mind has cooked up we should be done in five minutes, max!" She said beeming with cofidence.

The two stepped into the bedroom and released their artificial spirits. The blue and green lights swirled above Nori's head as the girl continued to toss and turn. "Let's do this, desu!" Suiseiseki whispered as Souseiseki nodded in agreement. The two flew up sticking there heads into the clouds for a second then immediately jumping back down panting with flushed faces. "Jun, I told you we can't. We're sibling..." Nori mumbled still sound asleep. "We never speak of this again, desu! Never again!" Suiseiseki says trying to regain composure. Moment later the twins walk out into the hall and begin to make there way to the stair as Jun comes up. "Oh, hey guy's have you seen my-" Jun is cut off by a beat-red Suiseiseki punching him in the crotch."Noooooo! You chibi, chibi, triple chibi human! " She screams before running downstairs. Jun falls to his knees gasping. "Wh-What the hell got into her....*pant....and what did she mean with triple chibi." Souseiseki blushed, averting her eyes. "I, uh have no idea."


End file.
